u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
