I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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