don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
