we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
