I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
