He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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