well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
