omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
