You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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