I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
