yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
