I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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