Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
