That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
