Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize