woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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