I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
