But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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