32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
