I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
