nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
