Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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