Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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