dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This toilet bowl is my home.
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