tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
