i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
