I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
