I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
