All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
