Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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