Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
