drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
