Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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