My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
