He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
