I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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