No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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