Just fell off a train. Bad.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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