go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sext me about skeletons
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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