But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
