if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize