Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize