Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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