A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
