take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize