i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
