Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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