how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so let's talk penis.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize