dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The adults are the big ones right?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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