I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
