I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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