I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
