She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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