so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
