he shaved USA in his pubs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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