i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
