My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
