Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
