i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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