i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Randomize
