i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
