Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
