this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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