my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
