I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
