how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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