don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
