Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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