I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
