Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
