That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
