I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
