This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
