Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
