I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
