she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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