I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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