I hope mine doesn't look like that
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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