i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
